jOKES
Date: June 19, 2009 08:00PM

1. Two blondes walked into a building...........you'd think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message – '………..If you want marijuana,
> press the hash key...'
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
> The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> find any.
>
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks
> are too high..'
>
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
> 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know
> you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it too.
>
> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
> 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
> 'Is it common? '
> 'It's not unusual.'
>
> 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is
> there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have
> a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
> checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him
> down.'
> 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
> my backside.'
> 'How's that?'
> 'Don't you start.'
>
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
> give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your
> oyster, go for it.'
>
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
> People in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
> my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> But I think it's Colin.
>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
> other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
>
> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
> and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
> other one off.
>
> 21... 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
> today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
> Fine.' So that was nice.'
>
> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
> several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
>
> 23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
> and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
> number to climb as digging continues into the night.


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Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 19, 2009 08:40PM

Me and my wife were lying in bed last night, when she asked me "If you could compare me to one thing in the universe, what would it be?" I said "the sun." She asked "Aww, is that because I'm bright, beautiful and you couldn't live without me?" I said "No. It's because not one person in the f*cking universe wants to look directly at you."



Re: jOKES
Posted by: disrupted
Date: June 19, 2009 11:39PM

they're all funny but the digging irish is hilarious

http://www.cloudnet.com/~jldomini/othhoro.html







this is not a photochopped snapshot.. i was checking browsers percentage and there it was: one hit by firefox 69 (now you know why it's fireslut)




Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2010 03:24PM by disrupted.

Re: jOKES
Posted by: desga2
Date: June 20, 2009 12:43AM

I'll never understand this:
Quote
Gorilla
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! confused smiley

K-Meleon in Spanish

Re: jOKES
Posted by: panzer
Date: June 20, 2009 01:02AM

When they fall to the ground, the sound Boom is released. grinning smiley



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/20/2009 01:02AM by panzer.

Re: jOKES
Date: June 20, 2009 01:34AM

Quote
Paul
Me and my wife were lying in bed last night, when she asked me "If you could compare me to one thing in the universe, what would it be?" I said "the sun." She asked "Aww, is that because I'm bright, beautiful and you couldn't live without me?" I said "No. It's because not one person in the f*cking universe wants to look directly at you."

Nice one mate...


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Re: jOKES
Posted by: desga2
Date: June 20, 2009 01:46AM

Quote
panzer
When they fall to the ground, the sound Boom is released. grinning smiley

I know this, but why is it funny? mad smiley For me this is usual and any stupid to be funny.

K-Meleon in Spanish

Re: jOKES
Posted by: panzer
Date: June 20, 2009 01:50AM

Here you have some funny pics I found and uploaded:

http://www.2shared.com/file/6375715/276c87da/Jokes.html



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/20/2009 01:50AM by panzer.

Re: jOKES
Posted by: disrupted
Date: June 20, 2009 05:45AM

Quote
desga2
Quote
panzer
When they fall to the ground, the sound Boom is released. grinning smiley

I know this, but why is it funny? mad smiley For me this is usual and any stupid to be funny.

this is british humour grinning smiley

panzer thanks for the images..haven't been through all of them yet but quite funny..think soccerfan will like the 'football plans'

Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 20, 2009 05:48AM

Quote
disrupted
Quote
desga2
Quote
panzer
When they fall to the ground, the sound Boom is released. grinning smiley

I know this, but why is it funny? mad smiley For me this is usual and any stupid to be funny.

this is british humour grinning smiley

p

LOLtongue sticking out smiley



Re: jOKES
Posted by: desga2
Date: June 20, 2009 07:00AM

Quote
disrupted
Quote
desga2
Quote
panzer
When they fall to the ground, the sound Boom is released. grinning smiley

I know this, but why is it funny? mad smiley For me this is usual and any stupid to be funny.

this is british humour grinning smiley

What humour? British only known about tea time. tongue sticking out smiley

I know about british humour (a lot);

Knock, knock, ...
Who is? ...
The two elephants crushed from above post. grinning smiley

K-Meleon in Spanish

Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 20, 2009 07:11AM

Four students, a Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are
sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, about 12 inches long,
worth about 800 pounds, takes one short drag from it and flings the
cigar out the window. The other three look at him in amazement and ask
why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar. He replies, "I'm from Cuba,
I have thousands of those things back home."

A few minutes later the Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells
Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, worth a fortune. He takes a short
measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder
of the bottle out the window. The other three in shock, ask him why he
just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey, he
replies, "I'm Scottish, I have thousands of those things at home."

A few minutes later the Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100
year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and
flings the remainder of the wine out the window. The other three in
shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic
wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things at
home."

A few minutes later, the Irishman throws the Spanish student out the
window.



Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 21, 2009 08:23AM
Re: jOKES
Date: June 21, 2009 10:17AM

Yup...

They are well known for beeing crazy...


"Are to be sure to be sure..."tongue sticking out smiley


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Re: jOKES
Date: June 21, 2009 10:18AM

Quote
Paul
Four students, a Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are
sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, about 12 inches long,
worth about 800 pounds, takes one short drag from it and flings the
cigar out the window. The other three look at him in amazement and ask
why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar. He replies, "I'm from Cuba,
I have thousands of those things back home."

A few minutes later the Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells
Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, worth a fortune. He takes a short
measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder
of the bottle out the window. The other three in shock, ask him why he
just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey, he
replies, "I'm Scottish, I have thousands of those things at home."

A few minutes later the Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100
year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and
flings the remainder of the wine out the window. The other three in
shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic
wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things at
home."

A few minutes later, the Irishman throws the Spanish student out the
window.


drool smileyYup...

They are well known for being crazy...


"Are to be sure to be sure..."
tongue sticking out smiley


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Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/21/2009 10:19AM by Gorilla no baka.

Re: jOKES
Posted by: panzer
Date: June 21, 2009 07:49PM

What is a diference when someone falls froma a hotel window from a first or from a fifth floor?

1. floor: Tup. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
5. floor: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Tup.

Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 22, 2009 07:28AM

1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type “Bush hid the facts” (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? :-??



Re: jOKES
Date: June 22, 2009 06:34PM

Quote
Paul
1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type “Bush hid the facts” (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? :-??


I know that one...


And i have seen the explanation somwhere ..but i have forgotten


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Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 23, 2009 08:10PM
Re: jOKES
Posted by: panzer
Date: June 24, 2009 05:11PM

Look at the pics at the bottom (Romunia - so called a member of EU):
http://www.joker.si/article.php?rubrika=23&articleid=4182

Re: jOKES
Posted by: disrupted
Date: June 25, 2009 01:04AM

those dacias can really take a load..and cook sausages too. tough machines.

Re: jOKES
Date: June 26, 2009 01:36AM

Quote
panzer
Look at the pics at the bottom (Romunia - so called a member of EU):
http://www.joker.si/article.php?rubrika=23&articleid=4182

Um...Err...Yeah ...No comment

Why don`t you tell the guys as well that these pictures are carefully selected on order to emphesize what you want to insinuate...

And why don`t you tell the guys that with the exception of the blue car loaded with bags that`s a Dacia indeed..

The rest of the cars ARE LADA`s AND MOSKWITCH`es wich are not so specific to Romania
but to all ex Soviet countries or countries like Poland Yougoslavia Czech republic or whatever....

Nevermind...Here`s some REAL JOKES ..

He Said/She Said



>He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
>I said to him .. . . You wear pants don't you?

>He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
>She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit in the armchair and fart

> He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
> I said to him . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

> He said to me. ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
> I said to him .. . They don't have time

> He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
> I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

> He said to me.. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
> I said to him .. . . They already have boyfriends.

> He said to me ...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
> I said. . . A widow.

> He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
> I said to him . ... . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/26/2009 01:38AM by Gorilla no baka.

Re: jOKES
Posted by: disrupted
Date: June 26, 2009 02:39AM

Quote
Gorilla no baka
Quote
panzer
Look at the pics at the bottom (Romunia - so called a member of EU):
http://www.joker.si/article.php?rubrika=23&articleid=4182

Um...Err...Yeah ...No comment

Why don`t you tell the guys as well that these pictures are carefully selected on order to emphesize what you want to insinuate...

And why don`t you tell the guys that with the exception of the blue car loaded with bags that`s a Dacia indeed..

me or panz? i don't think panzer was trying to insinuate anything.. "so called member of eu" that means that the reason why romania is in relatively dire straits compared to other ex-eastern bloc countries is because the eu never pumped enough money or investments as it should have.

i commented on the dacia because to me it was the funniest pic and appears to be the one with the heaviest load.. no intention to insinuate it was particularly in romania as dacias were found in various other countries.. for all i know, it could even be a renault 12. if my comment offended you in a way..then i sincerely apologise






Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2010 03:24PM by disrupted.

Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 26, 2009 03:27AM

Pictures of the 'real' Romania, these are not carefully selected 'worse of'pics. You can do that with ANY EU country. smiling smiley

http://www.romaniatourism.com/images-of-romania.html



Re: jOKES
Date: June 26, 2009 04:11AM

Quote
Paul
Pictures of the 'real' Romania, these are not carefully selected 'worse of'pics. You can do that with ANY EU country. smiling smiley

http://www.romaniatourism.com/images-of-romania.html

10x Guys...

Don`t mind me ....I quit smoking like two months a go and i DO tend to be a bit grumpy...


Ok..here is an other joke.

If a blue stork delivers boy babies

and a pink stork delivers girl babies

What delivers no babies?


Answer is....

A...

a little




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jOKES
Date: June 26, 2009 04:46PM

There was a man whith no arms and no legs. He was very religious and every day he would bounce all the way to the local church, bounce up the steps, jump up and ring the bell. However, one day, having bounced his usual way to the church and up the steps, when he jumped for the bell, he missed, fell all the way down the steps and died.
When the police arrived there was a woman standing by the body:
“Do you know this man?” said the police officer.
She replied, “His face rings a bell.”


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Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 26, 2009 07:03PM

WARNING! If you are a Micheal Jackson fan or are easily offended by tasteless jokes DON'T follow the link you will be offended.

http://www.deadmichaeljacksonjokes.com/



Re: jOKES
Date: June 27, 2009 04:14AM

I got a call this morning from an ex, a pretty stunning girl actually. She called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I was delighted when she suggested meeting up to see if we could recreate some of the old spark.

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don’t mind a receding hairline, total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm beginning to suffer from premature ejaculation!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would
still be a great lover.

"anyway," she giggled, "I’ve put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to **** off.


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Re: jOKES
Posted by: Paul
Date: June 28, 2009 05:24AM

Bedroom golf.... The rulestongue sticking out smiley

http://bl.net/forwards/bedgolf.html



Re: jOKES
Posted by: panzer
Date: June 29, 2009 12:35PM

Sorry Gorilla I did not mean to offend Romanians as these pictures cannot be found anywhere but are carefully selected.
They are sad as they are funny.

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