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Re: Going Back To School
Posted by: panzer
Date: July 10, 2009 05:09PM

Mother-in-law, how long are you going to spend here with us?
Well, until you get bored of me.
What, you're leaving already?

It is raining heavily outside. Somebody knocks on the door. A man opens the door. A totally wet woman stands outside.
Mother-in-law, what are you doing here? Don't you see that it is raining? Go home.
Then he she shuts the door.

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Warning:contains graphic stuff that might make you....
Date: July 13, 2009 04:53AM

Warning:contains graphic stuff that might make you spill coffe on the keyboard or splash it on the screen

So make sure when you laugh you`re 5 meters away from the computer!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJWYq93_zG4


My favorite forums
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http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/13/2009 05:02AM by Gorilla no baka.

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Man gets divorced
Date: July 20, 2009 03:04AM

But he gets so lonely so he decides he wants to get a pet for company, but not just any pet he wants something exotic so he goes to the local pet shop.

"Actually we're doing a big trade on these Indonesian centipedes" says the pet shop owner. "They even come in a little house shaped box".

"Done" says the man.

"When he gets home he puts the box on the sideboard. After a couple of hours he gets bored so he goes over to the box and says "I'm going down the pub for a pint, you're welcome to come and meet the lads".

No Reply. So the guy goes off and gets himself some tea. About 30 minutes later he returns and says to the box, "I said, I'm going down the pub, do you want to come?"

Again no reply, so the guy goes and showers. 30 minutes later he goes back to the box and shouts, "Right, you've had your chance, I'm going out".

He's about to walk away from the box when a little voice shouts back.

"I heard you the first time, I'm putting my f**king shoes on!"


My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530

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Re: Man gets divorced
Posted by: panzer
Date: July 20, 2009 03:05PM

Is there any drinking in your mine going on?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSYVcURK6TM

Just hillarious!

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Re: Man gets divorced
Posted by: panzer
Date: July 20, 2009 03:13PM

A man came before saint Peter.
SP: Tell me, what did you do good in your life?
Man: Uhhhhhh ...
SP: well, did you save someone his life?
Man: Well, no.
SPgrinning smileyid you give money to charity?
Man: No.
SP:Well, then you'll have to go one level downstairs.

Man goes out but after one minute comes back:Well, I did helped to improve Kmeleon browser. Does this count?
SP: My man! If you tell me where to unzip SPEEDUP.KMM, you can go to heaven!

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Re: Man gets divorced
Date: July 23, 2009 05:53PM

Quote
panzer
A man came before saint Peter.
SP: Tell me, what did you do good in your life?
Man: Uhhhhhh ...
SP: well, did you save someone his life?
Man: Well, no.
SPgrinning smileyid you give money to charity?
Man: No.
SP:Well, then you'll have to go one level downstairs.

Man goes out but after one minute comes back:Well, I did helped to improve Kmeleon browser. Does this count?
SP: My man! If you tell me where to unzip SPEEDUP.KMM, you can go to heaven!


EHEHHE...Nice one mate... That was brilliant...


My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530

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A damn fine explanation
Date: July 23, 2009 05:54PM

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the s...exy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?



My favorite forums
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Re: A damn fine explanation
Posted by: foobarly
Date: July 23, 2009 06:16PM

LOL: the mid-lifer wet pipe-dream... grinning smiley

--- sig ---


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Re: A damn fine explanation
Posted by: panzer
Date: July 29, 2009 09:56PM

Km, IE and FF are walking down the street.
Suddenly, FF says:"Boys, let's do this. Each of us is going to enter one of the houses ahead and help the lady of the house at whatever she want us to do. The best paid wins the money from the other two."

The other two agree. First, it is IE's turn. He enters the first house. After 45 minutes he exits the door and says:"Here is 30 bucks. I did some cleaning." At that time a window opens and the lady says:"You d a m n prick, you were slow. Be happy that I paid you." IE flushes and the group move on.

At the second house it is FF's turn. He enters the house. After 35 minutes, he is back outside:"Here is 40 bucks. I moved TV from a garage to the attic." At that time a window opens and the lady says:"You d a m n prick, you were were slow. Be happy that I paid you." FF flushes, and the group move on.

Well, at the third house Km enters the door and is back (heavily breathing) in four minutes:"I did not get any money." FF takes money from IE and says:"Ah, you bunch of losers!" At that time a window opens and the half naked lady screams:"It was great, baby, but, why, oh, why, do you have to be so D A M N FAST in everything you do?!?"

FF turns to fast blushing Km and gives him the money. Then he and IE slowly walk away. Km turns to a lady and says:"How many times did I have to tell you: 'For forplay, just turn the speedup.kmm OFF! OFF, I said, OFF!'"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2009 09:57PM by panzer.

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Re: A damn fine explanation
Posted by: panzer
Date: July 31, 2009 09:18PM

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”

Santa is a System Administrator?
Consider:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”
5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

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Eating Yellow Snow
Date: August 04, 2009 06:40PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL5Agk4DxuA


And here's what you thought the first one was going to be!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm74b4Kmb7I


My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/04/2009 06:40PM by Gorilla no baka.

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Re: Eating Yellow Snow
Posted by: Paul
Date: August 08, 2009 08:54AM

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger.



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Re: Eating Yellow Snow
Date: August 14, 2009 08:20PM

Fu ck ing h e lltongue sticking out smiley

That was brilliant

!!!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530

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Geordie Birds
Date: August 14, 2009 08:20PM

A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Newcastle United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two umpalumpa kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”
The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Whye na, they're not twins yer twat. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the ‘ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a cheese eater?”
“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.”


My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530

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Re: Geordie Birds
Posted by: panzer
Date: August 27, 2009 06:27PM



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Re: Geordie Birds
Posted by: foobarly
Date: August 27, 2009 07:14PM

WTF? I have mistyped stuff all my life, but this is unfathomable! surprised smiley

--- sig ---


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Re: Geordie Birds
Posted by: disrupted
Date: September 06, 2009 11:41PM



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Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Date: September 07, 2009 10:16PM

Two Zimbabweans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Manchester.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Zimbabweans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Zimbabweans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Zimbabwean eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.
"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Zimbabwean eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.


My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 08, 2009 04:36PM
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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: disrupted
Date: September 08, 2009 06:10PM

Quote
panzer
Drunk president

grinning smiley seems like someone had one too many vodkas
this menage-a-trois reminds me of weekend @ bernie's




tongue sticking out smiley

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 08, 2009 06:47PM

It is not the same though: Bernie is dead, and ... well, it is the same. grinning smiley

Look at Berlusconi:"Shit, what if he falls? Everybody will know he is only a puppet! "

Sarkozy:"Nicolas, just keep talking! Just keep talking!"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2009 06:52PM by panzer.

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Date: September 08, 2009 10:40PM

Nice one...

I already started to download them to share them with my friends






My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: disrupted
Date: September 09, 2009 01:53AM

that's one obscene kmeleon you have there gorilla grinning smiley (but look who's talking)


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New element
Date: September 09, 2009 03:31AM

New element in the periodic table




Element : WOMEN
Symbol : WO+
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARD
Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.

!! WARNING !!
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE [COLOR=blue! important][COLOR=blue! important]FINANCIAL[/COLOR][/COLOR] HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS ABOVE PROPERTIES ARE SHOWN BY ALL THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD

[IMG]http://i44.tinypic.com/29zdifo.jpg[/IMG]
My favorite forums
[url]http://www.graphixanstuff.com[/url]
[url]http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530[/url]

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Re: New element
Posted by: guenter
Date: September 09, 2009 04:00AM

Difference between a German pope and PPL taking candid photographs of celebrities?

None. ?

Both are called Paparazzi casually.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2009 04:05AM by guenter.

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: guenter
Date: September 09, 2009 04:03AM

Quote
disrupted
that's one obscene kmeleon you have there gorilla grinning smiley

Whats obscene about liking FF (for Food).

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: disrupted
Date: September 09, 2009 04:25AM

i meant the browser snapshot..fucking downloads everywhere and the statusbar seems to be having an orgasm grinning smiley. i'm a pescetarian so i shouldn't condone eating foxes but there's an exception with firefox smiling smiley

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: guenter
Date: September 09, 2009 05:09AM

Big not small panda endangered. Me omnivore, No religious or medical restrictions.grinning smiley
Nothing wrong with ff - OXes roasted.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2009 05:12AM by guenter.

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Date: September 09, 2009 01:23PM

Quote
disrupted
i meant the browser snapshot..fucking downloads everywhere and the statusbar seems to be having an orgasm grinning smiley. i'm a pescetarian so i shouldn't condone eating foxes but there's an exception with firefox smiling smiley

Yeah ,i know... this is intended as a birthday party to someone...I am counting on the shoking effect...

I am rewriting the dialogs and the strings in K-meleon...Just goofing around with..

Take a look ata the User Agent Vendor...drool smiley

Here have a look see..Do not worry about the pics...They are supercompressed pics and they are not heavyer that 150KB each...I allways think about the others..
No bandwidth waste coming ffrom Gorilla...















My favorite forums
http://www.graphixanstuff.com
http://www.closeprotectionworld.co.uk/index.php?referrerid=11530



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2009 01:38PM by Gorilla no baka.

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Re: Two Zimbabweans on a bicycle
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 14, 2009 12:48PM



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