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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 27, 2010 02:52PM

New Genesis by George Gamow

In the beginning God created radiation and ylem. And ylem was without shape or number, and the nucleons were rushing madly over the face of the deep.

And God said: "Let there be mass two." And there was mass two. And God saw deuterium, and it was good.

And God said: "Let there be mass three." And there was mass three. And God saw tritium and tralphium [Gamow's nickname for the helium isotope He-3], and they were good. And God continued to call number after number until He came to transuranium elements. But when He looked back on his work He found that it was not good. In the excitement of counting, He missed calling for mass five and so, naturally, no heavier elements could have been formed.

God was very much disappointed, and wanted first to contract the universe again, and to start all over from the beginning. But it would be much too simple. Thus, being almighty, God decided to correct His mistake in a most impossible way.

And God said: "Let there be Hoyle." And there was Hoyle. And God looked at Hoyle… and told him to make heavy elements in any way he pleased.

And Hoyle decided to make heavy elements in stars, and to spread them around by supernovae explosions. But in doing so he had to obtain the same abundance curve which would have resulted from nucleosynthesis in ylem, if God would not have forgotten to call for mass five.

And so, with the help of God, Hoyle made heavy elements in this way, but it was so complicated that nowadays neither Hoyle, nor God, nor anybody else can figure out exactly how it was done.
Amen.

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 27, 2010 02:53PM





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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 27, 2010 04:07PM





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Re: joke
Posted by: disrupted
Date: September 28, 2010 11:24AM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: September 29, 2010 02:11PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 01, 2010 02:08PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 02, 2010 02:43PM
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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 05, 2010 02:31PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 06, 2010 02:36PM
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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 06, 2010 03:55PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 07, 2010 02:53PM
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Re: joke
Posted by: guenter
Date: October 18, 2010 03:40AM
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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 18, 2010 03:02PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 19, 2010 03:23PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: October 27, 2010 02:15PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 10, 2010 04:50PM
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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 10, 2010 05:02PM
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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 11, 2010 03:36PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 13, 2010 02:20PM

Angry TV Buyer

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Original ad:
i want a flatscreen tv. at least 40 inches and under $500. hit me up if you got what i want

--------------------------------------------------------------------

From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hey,

I am selling my 42" Westinghouse plasma TV for $400. It is in excellent condition. I'm just selling it because I got a bigger one and don't need this one anymore. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

yeah man thats perfect. ill buy that as soon as possible. would you be able to bring it to my house? i dont have a car. im home pretty much all day every day

you can call me if you want 610-***-****

From me to jim ******:

No problem, Jim. I could bring it by tomorrow after work. Are you sure you want to buy it though? I don't want to bring it there and have you decide you don't want to buy it.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

no i definitely want it. just bring it over man

my address is 415 ********* rd, ******, PA
just call me if you have any trouble

From me to jim ******:

Okay, I'll be over tomorrow.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm very sorry I was unable to make it to your house today. I had the TV loaded in the back of my pickup truck, and I was all set to go to your house. I just decided to make a quick stop in Chester to buy some stuff from a friend, and when I got back to my truck, the TV was gone. I can't figure out what the hell happened to it. I'm thinking maybe I hit a bump and it slid out of the truck, because I do forget to close my tailgate sometimes. I don't really remember if it was in the truck when I parked it, so I am baffled.

Anyway, this is totally my fault. Seeing as how I promised you a TV and lost it, I am going to help you out. I signed you up for a 2 year subscription to Plasma TV Enthusiasts Weekly. It is an excellent magazine that will give you a lot of information on plasma TVs to help you make the right decision when buying one. It is normally $84.99 a year, but I hooked you up with my referrer discount so it will only cost you $63.50 a year. I had it sent and billed to the address you gave me, and you should get your first one in a week or two.

Once again, I am very sorry that I lost the TV that I was going to sell you, but hopefully this magazine can help you out.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

are you out of your fuckin mind i dont want any fuckin magazines!!! what the fuck.. you better fuckin cancel that shit. what the fuck were you thinking dude, im not paying for that you fuckin dumbass

From jim ****** to Me:

and its obvious YOUR TV WAS STOLEN YOU F*CKIN RETARD. why the F*CK would you leave a tv in the back of your truck in chester?

cancel the f*ckin magazines..NOW.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

Why do you want me to cancel the magazines? It is a great magazine and I got you a great deal for it. You won't find it cheaper anywhere else. Also, to put it frankly, if you were going to buy a Westinghouse plasma TV from me without even looking at it, then it is clear you still have a lot to learn about plasma TVs. Reading this magazine will make you an expert in no time.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

you fuckin asshole i dont want to pay for some stupid magazine! i just want a goddamn tv. who the f*ck would want to read a f*ckin weekly magazine about tvs?! cancel it right now. im serious

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm sorry you feel that way about the magazine. I was just trying to help. Unfortunately I cannot cancel the magazine. When I signed you up on the phone, they gave me a confirmation number I could use to cancel the subscription. I couldn't find a piece of paper to write it on, so I wrote the number on a napkin. I think I accidentally used the napkin to wipe my face after eating wings last night, and then threw it out. I'd look through the trash to find it for you, but the garbage truck already picked it up this morning. I think they take it to the dump/recycling center in Media if you want to go look for it. It was a napkin from Taco Bell, if that helps. I usually get all my napkins there.

If you think it would be easier, you could just cancel it once you get your first magazine in the mail. You'll probably be billed for the first month, plus a $75 cancellation fee because I didn't sign you up for cancellation insurance. I just assumed you would want to keep the magazine.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

i cant believe i just read all that shit because i should have known from the first few lines that you were a f*ckin idiot

i dont care if you have to blow the f*ckin editor, you better find a way to get it cancelled because i am not spending a goddamn nickel on that magazine!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

If you don't pay for it, that may screw up your credit. I remember one time I forgot to pay my TV guide subscription for about 14 months, and that really messed up my credit. I had trouble buying a house because of that. You should be careful.

Since you seem to not know a lot about the importance of your credit, I signed you up for a year subscription of In Debt Weekly, a great magazine that can teach you a lot about credit. Don't worry, I got you the same discount as before, and this magazine is actually a little bit cheaper. It is only $34.99 a year. It came with a discounted subscription to Card Times, another magazine about credit cards. That one is only $25 per year, so I signed you up for that as well. It is a decent magazine for the price.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

GL4KJHSGSKFKJS YOU F*CKING ASSHOLE STOP SIGNING ME UP FOR F*CKING MAGAZINES!!!!

CANCEL THOSE RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

There is no need for that kind of language. Please do not talk to me anymore.

Unless you would be interested in a subscription to Anger Management Journal. I can sign you up for that if you want to learn how to control your temper.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

F*CK YOU



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/13/2010 02:21PM by panzer.

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 13, 2010 03:07PM

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CA7fdmdXRT4&feature=player_embedded#!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxXeYqkDE44&feature=player_embedded#!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDi4kToTVQ8&feature=player_embedded

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZHyUaJy_RI&feature=player_embedded

www.rts.rs/page/sport/sr/story/36/Fudbal/794582/%C5%A0ta%20si%20ti%20poku%C5%A1ao%3F!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIa8UZ1S7yM



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 11/13/2010 03:18PM by panzer.

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 13, 2010 04:42PM

Minesweeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Original ad:
Need your lawn mowed? I own a Ride-on mower and offer professional mowing for an affordable price. Price is generally $30 per hour based on services. I offer discounts for larger plots of land. E-mail or call me to discuss.

***************@gmail.com
(302)-***-****

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From Me to ***************@gmail.com:

Hey,

My yard is 5 acres and I would like to work out some kind of regular mowing schedule. How much will you charge for five acres? Do you come weekly? Please let me know.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Hey Mike. Where do you live? Yes, I come weekly. I charge by the hour, but a rough estimate would be around $45 depending on if you want me to do trimming as well.

From Me to Rob *****:

Sounds good Rob. I'm located off of Naaman's road, near the 202 intersection. I would like you to trim around my sidewalk and patio, so I guess you should factor that into the price. I just need you to sign a waiver before you mow my lawn for the first time. Let me know when you would be able to do this.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why do you need me to sign a waiver?

From Me to Rob *****:

The last couple of dumbass landscapers I had working for me sued me for injuries that were their own fault. I am just covering my ass so I don't have to deal with these damn settlements anymore. As long as you use common sense, the waiver won't even have to come into play.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Forgive me for asking but how were they injured? I find it peculiar that you have been sued by landscapers.

From Me to Rob *****:

Well, let me just say that I inherited this property from my grandfather when he passed away. He was a war veteran and a little bit eccentric when it came to guns. Long story short, he buried a bunch of land mines in his backyard. I had no idea until the first idiot mowing my lawn ran over one and it exploded. He lost his right leg and then sued me like a little whining baby, claiming it was my fault.

The waiver pretty much says you won't sue me if you hurt yourself by detonating a mine.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to that? He had every right to sue you. There is no reason for land mines in Delaware.

From Me to Rob *****:

Like I said, just use common sense and don't run over the mines. They are Valmara 69 mines, so you can see a bunch of little prongs poking out of the ground. Just drive your lawn mower around any if you see them. There might not even be any left. Some could even be duds - these are very old mines. Just forget about the mines and sign the waiver. I don't work on Wednesday, we can meet then to sign the papers.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I will never agree to this. Not in a million years. I don't know who you should call but it is definitely not a landscaper.

From Me to Rob *****:

You said you had a ride-on mower, right? These are anti-personnel mines, not anti-tank mines. Meaning your mower can probably withstand the blast. The mines weren't made to disable enemy German lawnmowers. The jackass that blew his leg off was using a self-propelled mower. How about this: you can just sign the waiver for personal injury. I'll cover the cost of repairs if the mine ends up damaging your mower.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I value my life, so no thanks. If you ask me, I think you are the jackass for expecting anyone to mow your lawn given the circumstances.

From Me to Rob *****:

Apparently they just don't make landscapers like they used to anymore. I remember when landscaping was a real man's job, and there was no lawn that couldn't be mowed. Now everyone is such a little bitch about everything. "Waaaahhh! I dont want my wittle wawn mower to bwow up!" Would you sue me if a bee stung you while you were mowing my lawn, or if you got mauled by fire ants? Do I have to go to court if you forget to wear a jacket and catch a cold while mowing my lawn? C'mon man, suck it up and do your job.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Dear Mike,

F*ck you.

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 13, 2010 05:30PM

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S8xRWKKHp8&NR=1

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 15, 2010 04:14PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 16, 2010 04:18PM

God is dead.
Nietzsche

Lightning strikes.

Nietzsche is dead.
God



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/06/2010 03:08PM by panzer.

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 18, 2010 03:05PM



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 19, 2010 05:01PM

Homer Simpson look-a-like



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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 23, 2010 05:49PM

Pique, player of Barcelona, watching a football game and making an ass of himself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ryFIz4Hx2g&feature=player_embedded%20br%20/

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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 24, 2010 04:23PM
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Re: joke
Posted by: panzer
Date: November 24, 2010 04:24PM
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